Why Do Relationships Get Harder Instead of Easier?

I've been married for 12 years now and I still love my husband. But there are times when I don't much like him. Those feelings never last and we soon get over the bumps that rise on our road to marital bliss, but I wonder why it is that we can't have that smooth, beautiful road we traveled when we first embarked on our journey together?

In the beginning of a great relationship, our men act like we are goddesses. They can't wait to get into our pants. They act like we are the most beautiful of creatures. They gaze lovingly at us. Their eyes shine with admiration. They can't keep their hands to themselves. They don't yell at us, they don't call us names, they don't complain about anything. They open our doors, they help us don our coats, they rub our feet, our backs our necks and then kiss them if they can manage it. We women are so taken by this wonderful behavior that we overlook anything that later becomes annoying. We so like the feeling of being loved, admired and lusted after, that we don't mind the occasional bothersome quirks in their behavior.

The thing about a relationship when it first starts out is that both parties are so very tolerant of each other. Things are so wonderful that if such feelings are maintained for a few months, we start thinking about getting married. So why is it that over time, all those things that we initially loved about our husbands (or boyfriends if you didn't marry) seem to fade away, only to appear in rare moments...like when they know they've crossed the line a little too far and must now do something to fix it or else? Men say that we change. I say that we are reacting to their change. It goes a little both ways, but the real problem is that suddenly they become...well...MEN!

When I was in the military, I worked in a career field that was about 95 percent male (at least during the first few years. More women eventually joined but in the beginning, we were quite the minority). Because I was usually the only female in a particular shop (shops being work areas that specialized in certain aspects of our job...which was munitions of all things!), the guys thought to take advantage of the fact that they had a female close at hand in which to complain about ... well ... females! They figured that I being a female, I would have all the answers to their questions. Questions which puzzled them greatly. Their questions? Here's the ones I heard the most over the years (I was in the Air Force for 20 years, 5 months and 17 days): "Why is it that women always want sex when we are dating but aren't interested after we get married?", "Why are women all over us and do all kinds of things for us when we first get married and then ignore us after we've been together awhile?", "Why do women become such bitches when they were so sweet in the beginning?", "Why is it that my wife complains about things I do that she never used to complain about before?", "Why is that my wife used to be okay with me watching football and now it just pisses her off?" Always, always, it was them complaining about us. The major complaint, though, was about sex and the lack of it.

I patiently tried to explain to these morons that women aren't so tolerant if their (the men) behavior has changed to the point that they no longer act like their significant other is the most desirable creature on earth. "You can't ignore her all day and expect her to jump your bones as soon as you hit the sack," I'd tell them. They wonder why not? Their wives (or girlfriends) ignore them all day and yet they are ready for their bones to be jumped as soon as they hit the sack. This is the mentality of men. It must be God's little joke to have created us as God did (I do not use the pronoun "he" for God, for I do not believe God is some old man sitting up in the clouds lording over us). I try to explain to them that if they want more sex (because, really, this was their major concern) then they need to act like their wives are beautiful, like they can't wait to get them alone and have their wicked way with them. I tell them that they have to start their interest way before they enter the bedroom. Even if it is only a suggestive look or a wiggle of the eye brows, anything to let them know they are thinking lascivious thoughts. It's such a turn on to be wanted, coveted, lusted after, admired and loved.

When my husband and I first started dating, I felt like I was the most beautiful woman in his life. He was always wanting to kiss, to snuggle, to touch me, to hold my hand. He sang to me, he sent me poetry, he shared songs with me, he called me just to hear my voice. I was so besotted with him. His rather compulsive behavior didn't bother me in the least (a little twinge maybe here and there but overlooked because he was so very good to me). He's still good to me, he lets me have whatever I want and he showers me with gifts on birthdays, Valentine's Day, anniversaries and Christmas. But (and there is always a "but" isn't there?), he no longer chases me around trying to cop a feel or snag a kiss. I don't often get a gentle caress when we are sitting next to each other watching TV or a movie. Sometimes he even forgets to give me a kiss goodnight (not often, but sometimes, and even then, they are quick get-it-over-with-so-I-can-sleep sort of kisses). He is always annoyed it seems. And I think to myself, he never used to be annoyed about anything when we first started dating. It really is a shame, isn't it, that the lovey-dovey feelings fade away the longer you are with someone? No wonder romance books are so popular! Romance books capture that magic of early love and we get to experience those wonderful feelings all over again (at least for a little awhile) when reading them. It makes the lack of romance in our lives more tolerable. I realized once that I read romance books voraciously when I feel that there is a lack of romance in my life. When I was in the throes of a new relationship, I had no desire to read a romance book. When I am enjoying a particularly nice period of time with my husband, I do not read romance books. During those times, I read other books (because I do love to read after all). Inevitably, I return to my voracious reading of romance books.

I just wish that men would get us better. They really don't have much of a clue and even when you tell them, they still don't much get it. Or they soon forget what you told them. We don't need to be treated like goddesses (though it feels quite wonderful when we are treated that way!) but we do like to be treated with respect, admiration and love. Sometimes, it seems that total strangers get more respect than I do. I know that familiarity breeds contempt, but jeez, I don't believe it HAS to be that way. I really would be more tolerant again of my husband's annoying quirks if he acted like I truly meant the world to him (just saying it doesn't quite cut it despite what men may think).

So what spurred this blog? We (my husband and I) were meeting with some people to discuss their upcoming wedding (we are DJing their special event) and I admit that I cut in a time or two when he was speaking or I jumped in with a question that my husband wasn't ready for me to be asking, but it was the way he responded to me that cut me to the quick. He spoke in his strong, authoritative voice and basically chastised me like I was his adolescent daughter. I was mortified to be treated in such a way and in front of those people. What could I do but do what we women do...I played it off, smiled at the other two women present in that "Men, what can you do?" sort of look and pretended that I wasn't seething inside. My imagination kicked in and in my thoughts I bonked him on the head with his stupid notebook and stormed out of the restaurant after letting him know that his behavior was totally unacceptable. But, those thoughts stayed right in my head, and I sat like an obedient wife and tolerated yet another set-down when I tried to cut him off from a long explanation about something that didn't need to be explained. I have decided that I will no longer go with my husband when meeting people to discuss an upcoming DJ gig. We obviously cannot work together in that type of capacity. I will not put myself in a situation to be mortified again. What is most annoying about the whole thing is that my husband doesn't get it. He said he didn't do anything wrong, that he was simply asking me to shut up when I was interrupting him. He has it in his head that he is completely in the right here and that I am being stupid for getting upset with him. That pisses me off too. I hate it when my feelings are belittled. So, anyway, I'll get over it and he will be who he is ... a man who hasn't a clue. I'm glad that for the most part we tolerate each other well enough. But I miss those days we used to have in the beginning. I miss them a lot.

Book Publishing Dreams

I have lots of dreams...from the age of eight it was to be a writer. So, I am a writer. But, now I want more. I want to be a published writer! I've written three books. I queried out letters for only one. The replies were not too embarrassing. No one wrote back and intimated that I should pick a new career path. Instead, I was told to learn the art of writing a query. Guess that told me what was thought of my first attempt at such a thing. My heart pounded when I sent them out and then I said that it was up to fate. Fate decided I needed to brush up on my query. In the meantime, I wrote another book. Now I'm thinking this one ... this new book, is the one.

My first book attempt was Hidden Hearts, a contemporary romance. I think that a lot of the fighting and heartache that occur between lovers is that they misunderstand the signals, the words, the gestures, the looks. When they don't communicate properly ... all sorts of tension is created. A good romance has tension, lots of it, and then ... when the anticipation of reconciliation is at its peak, when you are racing along waiting, waiting for them to realize their misunderstanding, wanting that tension released ... that's when it all comes out, the true message behind those misunderstood words, and gestures, and looks. Joy ensues. Floods of it. Love abounds ... satisfaction is finally achieved! I wanted to show that process in a story ... how a misunderstanding can bring about so much anguish and heartache, then how the truth sets them free. Love stories are meant to end well. That's what I believe. I don't like investing my time, my heart, in a story only to have it end badly. Life hands out enough crap ... our books, the ones we write, the ones we read, they should bring us through all that. When we close the cover, sighing through that last line, we should be smiling. We should feel good. We should be wondering about the characters. What happened next? Leaving a reader wanting more ... that is a good story. A creation made that someone cares about. How marvelous for people to care about a fictional character. But, they are so real, those characters, they have come to life and they are real.

I have not even tried to publish Hidden Hearts. I wrote that for me. The idea drilling itself into my brain while on a work assignment in Tunisia. I was in the military then, the Air Force, and too busy to work toward being a published author. But the story had to be written. I did the entire thing in three weeks. The words flew along from my fingers to the key board. The movie, the drama, played out in my head and I couldn't write fast enough. Someday, I may bring it back out, polish it off, and send it in. But, much as I love romance, it wasn't the kind of book I wanted to write. I love to read them. Oh yes!! But there's more to me than that and I wanted that to come through in my writing.

What is my passion? Seeking the truth. The truth of life. Truth. Life is the biggest mystery and no one has solved it. Not really. Everyone has their own ideas about it. So many beliefs, so many religions. What to believe? I read about the concept of reincarnation and thought, that makes sense. To me, it makes sense. So I wrote No Matter What. This book is from my heart, from my soul. I truly believe that, no matter what, we all go to heaven. Not that I think of heaven as a particular place. I think of it as a state of being. Bliss. But when you look around the world, the people around you, even those you love and adore, you can't help but think that they aren't perfect. They have flaws. I don't know a single saint. Only saints deserve to go to heaven. I used to panic when I thought about that. I'm no saint. So was I to go to hell? I just couldn't believe such a thing. I'm not perfect but geez, do I really deserve to burn in the fires of hell for all eternity. Does anyone? Surely we weren't given this one chance ... this one life ... to become saints. I had to explore all that in my book. I went on a spiritual journey and I took it with a ten year old girl tortured by a past life she did not remember. I took that journey with several characters all involved in a truly horrific act. In the end ... we made it ... all of us ... to heaven. At least the intimation is there that such is the case. That's my book I want to be known for.

But then another story came to me. This one during my explorations with mediumship. If our spirits survive death, then wouldn't we want to continue communication with those we love who are still living life? Ghosts fascinate me. I lived in a haunted house when I was a child. Seven years we live there. I was always scared to death. And I wanted to understand. So, I wrote Be Still, My Love. What would happen, I thought, if a medium lost a loved one in a horrific accident. How would that affect her? Would her beliefs survive? I thought not. Not at first. But send her to a haunted resort, get her involved with a 40 year old tragedy and two grieving ghosts and she'd get her beliefs back surely? I wondered. I also couldn't resist giving her love again. That's where the romantic side of me came in. I love romance after all. I'm intrigued with ghosts and the idea of talking to the dead. The story practically wrote itself. I was so surprised in the end for I would never have guessed the story would go where it did, reveal what it did. I loved the journey.

So, here I am. Retired from the military and chasing my dream. I'm currently editing Be Still, My Love and I plan for it to be my debut book. This is the one that will find a publisher, and readers. And then, I will bring to the world ... No Matter What.